Happy New Year!
Moderators: Thorn Blackstone, Halaster Blackcloak
-
slade88green
- Citizen of Undermountain
- Posts: 81
- Joined: Thu Jan 22, 2009 1:30 am
- Location: North Idaho
-
Halaster Blackcloak
- Lord of Undermountain
- Posts: 4051
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:47 am
- Location: Undermountain
- Contact:
Well, here's the latest. We have our new cartographer, Govi, working on updating the maps. I'm working on finishing up the writing. I know this sounds like a broken record, but it's still progressing - just a millimeter at a time. 
The problem is that real life has been so demanding on everyone that it's hard to get much done in a timely manner. The biggest problem I have with the writing is that I may write a room or three, and then life steps in and demands my attention 24/7 for weeks or months at a time. And then to get back to writing, I have to re-read all 180+ pages of material so far developed, to get it all orderly in my mind. Remember, this project covers 3 levels of Undermountain, with 172 developed rooms and areas of interest - which is deceptive, because some "rooms" consist of complexes of rooms, each being a fully developed room in its own right. For example, on Level 7, Rooms #36, 37 and 38 are being counted as 3 rooms. However, Room # 36 consists of 3 distinct, developed rooms, while Room #38 goes from #38A - #38G, with multiples of some rooms, meaning Room #38 consists of 12 actual rooms. So the room complex of #36, #37 and #38 are not 3 rooms, but in reality consists of 16 rooms linked together.
Once the math is all said and done, there are well over 200 developed areas and rooms. Then we have to consider the many, many gates linking various areas to other areas and other levels, which gates are one-way, which are two-way, which ones lead where, etc. Plus keeping track of where each new spell, magic item and monster resides (around 3 dozen new each - monster, spells and magic items) and you can see how confusing it gets.
And when you all get to see the maps for Level 8 and especially the sub-level, you'll realize how difficult it is to keep it all orderly in my mind. In fact, back when Doirche was doing the maps, when I first sent him the map of the sub-level, his reaction was: "This sub-level is so amazingly detailed and convoluted, I've never seen anything more difficult to map. I'm going to have to smack you across the knees with a baseball bat when we meet, just for making that level so difficult. You're clearly depraved and insane!"
I'm sure you'll all agree when you see that level.
So it's quite a chore because when I take a month or three off due to real life, I have to then re-read all that info. It's like reading a book, about 200 pages long. Only then can I start writing again. And of course, by the time I re-read all that, I may end up unable to write for weeks or months again. So yeah, it sucks.
But it will eventually be released. And once it's all written and done, I am hiring a professional artist to do the art. I've given up on even trying to find an artist who wants to work for the fun of it. I'm starting to wonder if artists even enjoy drawing, or if it's all about getting paid. I'll never understand that. I'd sell one of my kidneys and half my liver to find Chris Miller, who did the interior art to FR1 Waterdeep and the North, and get him to do the art. Oh man!
Anyway, I'm hoping to be in a teaching position by summer, so hopefully that will give me so much free time and make things so much easier that I'll be able to spend the kind of time I really want to on this labor of love. Fingers crossed!
The problem is that real life has been so demanding on everyone that it's hard to get much done in a timely manner. The biggest problem I have with the writing is that I may write a room or three, and then life steps in and demands my attention 24/7 for weeks or months at a time. And then to get back to writing, I have to re-read all 180+ pages of material so far developed, to get it all orderly in my mind. Remember, this project covers 3 levels of Undermountain, with 172 developed rooms and areas of interest - which is deceptive, because some "rooms" consist of complexes of rooms, each being a fully developed room in its own right. For example, on Level 7, Rooms #36, 37 and 38 are being counted as 3 rooms. However, Room # 36 consists of 3 distinct, developed rooms, while Room #38 goes from #38A - #38G, with multiples of some rooms, meaning Room #38 consists of 12 actual rooms. So the room complex of #36, #37 and #38 are not 3 rooms, but in reality consists of 16 rooms linked together.
Once the math is all said and done, there are well over 200 developed areas and rooms. Then we have to consider the many, many gates linking various areas to other areas and other levels, which gates are one-way, which are two-way, which ones lead where, etc. Plus keeping track of where each new spell, magic item and monster resides (around 3 dozen new each - monster, spells and magic items) and you can see how confusing it gets.
And when you all get to see the maps for Level 8 and especially the sub-level, you'll realize how difficult it is to keep it all orderly in my mind. In fact, back when Doirche was doing the maps, when I first sent him the map of the sub-level, his reaction was: "This sub-level is so amazingly detailed and convoluted, I've never seen anything more difficult to map. I'm going to have to smack you across the knees with a baseball bat when we meet, just for making that level so difficult. You're clearly depraved and insane!"
I'm sure you'll all agree when you see that level.
So it's quite a chore because when I take a month or three off due to real life, I have to then re-read all that info. It's like reading a book, about 200 pages long. Only then can I start writing again. And of course, by the time I re-read all that, I may end up unable to write for weeks or months again. So yeah, it sucks.
But it will eventually be released. And once it's all written and done, I am hiring a professional artist to do the art. I've given up on even trying to find an artist who wants to work for the fun of it. I'm starting to wonder if artists even enjoy drawing, or if it's all about getting paid. I'll never understand that. I'd sell one of my kidneys and half my liver to find Chris Miller, who did the interior art to FR1 Waterdeep and the North, and get him to do the art. Oh man!
Anyway, I'm hoping to be in a teaching position by summer, so hopefully that will give me so much free time and make things so much easier that I'll be able to spend the kind of time I really want to on this labor of love. Fingers crossed!
The Back In Print Project - Where AD&D Lives Forever!
-
Halaster Blackcloak
- Lord of Undermountain
- Posts: 4051
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:47 am
- Location: Undermountain
- Contact:
My new year wasn't so great with my Parent's illness. What's even worse and confusion is how they turned on me a few weeks ago and I was essentially kicked out. I had the choice of either agreeing to go to jail/mental institution followed up by counselling and taking medical marijuana or leaving.
I chose to leave as their insane options were just too much. Since I left Missouri in 2014 May and came back I've been berated by their even more insane ways. My childhood was terrible and I won't go into it here. My two siblings never understood how I could take the mental punishment from them.
I gave all my $$ to them to help keep the property aloft. Last year I managed to get all the property taxes paid, a new roof on (it was leaking horribly), a new well replacing the old one and a new pump house. This along with creating walking paths in the 4 acres and clearing up brush, garbage, and fixing up the property.
I recently bought a new washing machine (which is freaking awesome... it was a french top loader - even better than the side loaders you see in most stores. Lacked some features but cleaned far better). I was preparing for a spring summer garden and everything.
To cut it short... I'm now living in an apartment in Corpus Christi Texas with my brother. Its been two weeks since I left. All my physical RPG material is back in Oregon. All my homebrew... all my collection.. and most of all my hard work.
I miss my cats but my parents... I DO NOT. While I've gotten over the anger I am not over the disappointment and betrayal. Yeah they even called the cops on me and my Dad was hoping for me to confront the police so I'd be shot and killed.
Such betrayal and treachery.
At least I managed to get my laptop and portable hard drives. It has pdfs but nothing will replace the pencil and paper.
I chose to leave as their insane options were just too much. Since I left Missouri in 2014 May and came back I've been berated by their even more insane ways. My childhood was terrible and I won't go into it here. My two siblings never understood how I could take the mental punishment from them.
I gave all my $$ to them to help keep the property aloft. Last year I managed to get all the property taxes paid, a new roof on (it was leaking horribly), a new well replacing the old one and a new pump house. This along with creating walking paths in the 4 acres and clearing up brush, garbage, and fixing up the property.
I recently bought a new washing machine (which is freaking awesome... it was a french top loader - even better than the side loaders you see in most stores. Lacked some features but cleaned far better). I was preparing for a spring summer garden and everything.
To cut it short... I'm now living in an apartment in Corpus Christi Texas with my brother. Its been two weeks since I left. All my physical RPG material is back in Oregon. All my homebrew... all my collection.. and most of all my hard work.
I miss my cats but my parents... I DO NOT. While I've gotten over the anger I am not over the disappointment and betrayal. Yeah they even called the cops on me and my Dad was hoping for me to confront the police so I'd be shot and killed.
Such betrayal and treachery.
At least I managed to get my laptop and portable hard drives. It has pdfs but nothing will replace the pencil and paper.
-
Halaster Blackcloak
- Lord of Undermountain
- Posts: 4051
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:47 am
- Location: Undermountain
- Contact:
I really hope things get better for you McDeath! I know how nasty family can be. I've personally disowned enough relatives to populate a small village!
Can you file a lawsuit against them to force them to give back your gaming materials and other stuff?
Can you file a lawsuit against them to force them to give back your gaming materials and other stuff?
The Back In Print Project - Where AD&D Lives Forever!
Sorry for the late supply. Finally contacted Social Security and my local disability services. God its as bad as the DMV which I'll have to go to in say 5 months here in Texas.
Eh, as to my stuff I think they'll leave it alone. They probably think I'll come crawling back. Not going to happen. My dad is a narcissist of the worse type. He's also delusional, paranoid, schitzoid, amongst other megalomaniac maladies.
My mum is becoming a puppet and lesser extension of him. Why I destroyed my life for them. This goes back to my early life but mostly when I left the military for them some 20 years ago. I doubt my "other than honorably" ever got upgraded to medical. I was shamed by the military personally amongst those that I knew. I felt like crap and a traitor and a dishonored piece of crap. That destroyed my mind and I definitely turned to attacking myself. I ended up with mental disability and later a back disability due to the medications fucking my brain.
I finally get of the drugs years ago (8sh) and was paying the taxes off the land, fixed the room, got a new pump house built, bought a new washer, and walked/biked back and forth for mail and other tasks along with keeping the 4 acres trimmed and even made paths and hedges out of the brush.
(worked built the pumphouse and room/gutters but my paying of the debts allowed this to happen). So my Dad wants control and attacks me over weeding the garlic I planted. I can't explain it well but it was shit.
He wanted cops to kill me, lock me up or put me in an asylum. BULLSHIT!
Out of all of it I miss my cats and the land as I'm a tad isolationist when it comes to space. So 4 acres to a small apartment is more of a prison than I'm used to.
The stuff, while it is all of my life, isn't as important as the others. I feel sad my cats will pass and I can't bury them in the plot that is sacred to me. I feel sad that they truly loved me for me and now are confused and under the piss poor care of my parents.
I won't return until they (my parents) both die. I fucking hate them for continually betraying and abusing me. FUCK THEM! I doubt the land will be give to me unto their passing and probably given to some rich fuck nuts that only use them as a charity case to further personal agenda. Total fake people associated with the tribe. They barely give my parents time and yet my parents look to them like gods.
BLEH! I won't pursue a court case. NOt worth my time.
Eh, as to my stuff I think they'll leave it alone. They probably think I'll come crawling back. Not going to happen. My dad is a narcissist of the worse type. He's also delusional, paranoid, schitzoid, amongst other megalomaniac maladies.
My mum is becoming a puppet and lesser extension of him. Why I destroyed my life for them. This goes back to my early life but mostly when I left the military for them some 20 years ago. I doubt my "other than honorably" ever got upgraded to medical. I was shamed by the military personally amongst those that I knew. I felt like crap and a traitor and a dishonored piece of crap. That destroyed my mind and I definitely turned to attacking myself. I ended up with mental disability and later a back disability due to the medications fucking my brain.
I finally get of the drugs years ago (8sh) and was paying the taxes off the land, fixed the room, got a new pump house built, bought a new washer, and walked/biked back and forth for mail and other tasks along with keeping the 4 acres trimmed and even made paths and hedges out of the brush.
(worked built the pumphouse and room/gutters but my paying of the debts allowed this to happen). So my Dad wants control and attacks me over weeding the garlic I planted. I can't explain it well but it was shit.
He wanted cops to kill me, lock me up or put me in an asylum. BULLSHIT!
Out of all of it I miss my cats and the land as I'm a tad isolationist when it comes to space. So 4 acres to a small apartment is more of a prison than I'm used to.
The stuff, while it is all of my life, isn't as important as the others. I feel sad my cats will pass and I can't bury them in the plot that is sacred to me. I feel sad that they truly loved me for me and now are confused and under the piss poor care of my parents.
I won't return until they (my parents) both die. I fucking hate them for continually betraying and abusing me. FUCK THEM! I doubt the land will be give to me unto their passing and probably given to some rich fuck nuts that only use them as a charity case to further personal agenda. Total fake people associated with the tribe. They barely give my parents time and yet my parents look to them like gods.
BLEH! I won't pursue a court case. NOt worth my time.
-
Halaster Blackcloak
- Lord of Undermountain
- Posts: 4051
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:47 am
- Location: Undermountain
- Contact:
I'm really sorry about all that, McDeath. It pisses me off to no end how poorly this country treats our veterans. Half the VA administration and most of the government should be jailed for the abuses they cause. It really is a goddamned national embarrassment. I wish I were in charge, there would be a lot of heads rolling.
It really sucks when it's family doing the shitting on you. I know how that is. I've had to take more revenge on family than on strangers!
I hope more than anything that you can get your cats back. Don't worry, you know they love you back just like you love them. Animals know these things better than humans can ever hope to. It's not like they forgot about you. I'm sure they're thinking of you and hoping you get them back with you.
This situation brings to my advice my favorite martial arts teacher once told me:
"Sometimes, there's nothing wrong with a good ass kicking."
If it were legal to beat the shit out of people who cause problems, there would be so few problems in this world, it would be amazing!
It really sucks when it's family doing the shitting on you. I know how that is. I've had to take more revenge on family than on strangers!
I hope more than anything that you can get your cats back. Don't worry, you know they love you back just like you love them. Animals know these things better than humans can ever hope to. It's not like they forgot about you. I'm sure they're thinking of you and hoping you get them back with you.
This situation brings to my advice my favorite martial arts teacher once told me:
"Sometimes, there's nothing wrong with a good ass kicking."
If it were legal to beat the shit out of people who cause problems, there would be so few problems in this world, it would be amazing!
The Back In Print Project - Where AD&D Lives Forever!
Well, I got all my contacts to Texas State SSI and Federal Social Security all up dated. Had to bike down to SSI office. My account is taxed this month (bike, vacuum, etc other stuff for apt).
My cats should be fine (I hope). I wouldn't have them transported here even if I could afford it. Most animals that are transported via plane suffer so much stress and air pressure illness they are never the same or die. And via vehicle would be too much stress. They'll miss me but they are pretty old anyways. If I could learn teleport then I'd be golden.
Its just one day to one week to one month at a time.
My cats should be fine (I hope). I wouldn't have them transported here even if I could afford it. Most animals that are transported via plane suffer so much stress and air pressure illness they are never the same or die. And via vehicle would be too much stress. They'll miss me but they are pretty old anyways. If I could learn teleport then I'd be golden.
Its just one day to one week to one month at a time.
If I was still in Oregon with the rest of my stuff I'd take you up on that. With all the trauma I've had lately.. I'm not doing much sit down reading. Hell, I don't even have a book or a bible. Always some good stuff to snag out of that.
I mostly put my mind on net games atm. Besides, the boxes for mail at the apartment are so damn tiny. The rip and damage some of the regular mail so I can't imagine what would happen to a book.
I mostly put my mind on net games atm. Besides, the boxes for mail at the apartment are so damn tiny. The rip and damage some of the regular mail so I can't imagine what would happen to a book.
Well, maybe I'll be getting food stamps and maybe not. The lady did give me a heads up about texas SSI. Social Security payments are federal but SSDI or SSI or w/e (some say SSA) is state driven.
Now my Social Security payments per month are $355. OK..
My Oregon State SSI was a good $398 per month.
Well today on the phone with the food stamp interviewer she alerted me that in July my Texas SSI will be ...... $133.67
I was floored. WTF am I going to do. Until I get the document I can't contest the amount and from what I've learned there's probably nothing I can do about it. So My parents have fucked my life even more. Its bad enough I'm in a foreign hot swampy shit hole state with no friends and a brother I hardly see. I don't have my cats, I don't have land to work or really anywhere to walk. Its like fucking monsoon season here and full of fucking mosquitos.
I have the internet but big fucking deal. I've been lied to by my parents back in 1995 and now I'm considered a thug, violent offender, and attempted murderer by them and still the stain follows as I suffer now more money problems. Its bad enough I lost just about everything.
I want to just take a fucking roman bath after boozing and drugging up and maybe slitting my throat while i'm at it and ramming a fucking knife through my heart.
I fucking hate this mammonistic world and how it seems that when I sacrifice my life to aid family or others I get fucked and used and abused in the end. I should have been fucking EVIL to begin with. I should have fucking raped and killed and been a mean mother fucker to everyone.
I FUCKING HATE THIS WORLD. I FUCKING HATE GOD! I was never even fucking asked to exist. FUCK IT ALL!!!
They act like I know my brother's situation. He is in a job where he might have to move on a moments notice. When he does I'm homeless. They fucking don't care. Next appointment I'm telling them exactly what I've posted. May I get struck by lightning or a car or shot in the streets by some gangbanger. Shit, there's an ocean. I could drown my fucking self.
Wasted my life. No fucking skills. Now a destroyed body. FUCK>
Now my Social Security payments per month are $355. OK..
My Oregon State SSI was a good $398 per month.
Well today on the phone with the food stamp interviewer she alerted me that in July my Texas SSI will be ...... $133.67
I was floored. WTF am I going to do. Until I get the document I can't contest the amount and from what I've learned there's probably nothing I can do about it. So My parents have fucked my life even more. Its bad enough I'm in a foreign hot swampy shit hole state with no friends and a brother I hardly see. I don't have my cats, I don't have land to work or really anywhere to walk. Its like fucking monsoon season here and full of fucking mosquitos.
I have the internet but big fucking deal. I've been lied to by my parents back in 1995 and now I'm considered a thug, violent offender, and attempted murderer by them and still the stain follows as I suffer now more money problems. Its bad enough I lost just about everything.
I want to just take a fucking roman bath after boozing and drugging up and maybe slitting my throat while i'm at it and ramming a fucking knife through my heart.
I fucking hate this mammonistic world and how it seems that when I sacrifice my life to aid family or others I get fucked and used and abused in the end. I should have been fucking EVIL to begin with. I should have fucking raped and killed and been a mean mother fucker to everyone.
I FUCKING HATE THIS WORLD. I FUCKING HATE GOD! I was never even fucking asked to exist. FUCK IT ALL!!!
They act like I know my brother's situation. He is in a job where he might have to move on a moments notice. When he does I'm homeless. They fucking don't care. Next appointment I'm telling them exactly what I've posted. May I get struck by lightning or a car or shot in the streets by some gangbanger. Shit, there's an ocean. I could drown my fucking self.
Wasted my life. No fucking skills. Now a destroyed body. FUCK>
-
Halaster Blackcloak
- Lord of Undermountain
- Posts: 4051
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:47 am
- Location: Undermountain
- Contact:
Please don't feel that way McDeath. We're sorta like a small family here, and although I'm not sure how much anyone can help directly, you know we're all rooting for you and backing you up.
I had a neighbor who was a veteran and was going through some really hard times. He was telling me there was a source for veterans where they can give you assistance with the nightmare that social security is and things like that (it always sucks dealing with stupid bureaucracy). I know the VA was giving him shit and not doing their job and it was a real pain in the ass to even get someone on the phone who knew their ass from their elbow.
This is the place I found for him when I looked for someone to help him get his benefits and things like that:
http://veteransfamiliesunited.org/how-to-get-help/
I'm wondering if maybe they can speed up the SSI process and get it approved for more and faster? Let me know if they can help.
I had a neighbor who was a veteran and was going through some really hard times. He was telling me there was a source for veterans where they can give you assistance with the nightmare that social security is and things like that (it always sucks dealing with stupid bureaucracy). I know the VA was giving him shit and not doing their job and it was a real pain in the ass to even get someone on the phone who knew their ass from their elbow.
This is the place I found for him when I looked for someone to help him get his benefits and things like that:
http://veteransfamiliesunited.org/how-to-get-help/
I'm wondering if maybe they can speed up the SSI process and get it approved for more and faster? Let me know if they can help.
The Back In Print Project - Where AD&D Lives Forever!
I avoid anything to deal with veteran help. How can I possibly accept that or even call myself a veteran when all I did was basic, AIT and a few months of home base duty. And then I went AWOL just before a deployment to South America. If anything its like a Paladin who lost his honor, his faith, and cursed for life.
The 2-star G, the various Colonels, and staff on JAG and my unit telling me what a piece of crap I was. It haunts me to this day. The only thing I carry is a lone dog tag (they come in two, I believe 1 is taken when you die on the field for ID purposes while the other is left). Its tied to some old sinew around my neck and on the other side I have tapped 2 pennies of my birth year.
Its been my DEATH TAG for decades. Since the going through the system for mental illness, the taking of their shit medications, the stop taking of them and the damage to my back from being on them (yeah I jumped out of a truck with that 75 lb+ exercise bike and crushed a disc). I sacrificed my life and possible careers more times than I can count for family.
Hell, I joined the military under my brother to give him a rank bonus. I could have been just about anything in the ARMY according to my score and the sergeants were surprised I chose 11X (x-ray) (they choose the station during AIT though it was OSUT (One unit station training) so it was combined with basic. I ended up an 11C (charlie) or Mortar Maggot.
High Angle Hill
Death & Destruction from Above
HOOOOAAAHH!
As mortars are used in such a way that artillery can't be. Plus they are quite portable.
I graduated with a 3.80 or something and was one of the few that actually was on Honor Roll as compared to the rich fucks who all went into Honor Society (a shitty group of fucks who had a group on who you know and blow). Wasn't liked back then either. Brother confirmed that with stories he heard face to face to some of them. I wondered back then, now I know. I was a joke to them. Always wonder why I never got student of the month or week. (for my grade - was one for each grade).
I had to walk home from the "Grad party." Never even got my .. oh whatever book they give that you buy. Has the pictures and shit. Had to pay for it but never got one. Those that I thought were friends... eh used me to get better grades I guess. Never called or wrote.
I was so depressed after graduation knowing I could never go to college. The counsellor only helped the rich get scholarships (like they fucking needed it). So glad fucking Klein died of brain cancer now that I think of it. FUCK THEM.
Spent a year in my room under the fucking thumb of my fucking megalomaniac Dad. He who believed he was God, Satan, and one of the two witnesses in the bible (which is hardly mentioned) but he made a huge deal of it. Every President was the anti-christ, Santa claus was Satan CLAWS. Never had a holiday. Watched as my Mum became corrupted by his vileness.
So, I joined to help my brother but stupidly we both let my Dad have access to our bank accounts. Brother lost his car to them and he finally cut them off his account. Wish JAG would have suggested that in the beginning. A few times I was overdrawn when I was going to the PX.
My brain has been nothing but trauma so I turned to D&D again after the military and spent money at the TSR hobby shop and a few used comic shops. You know, I didn't even have my room when I got out of the military. Dad used it for his own computer room. I had to sleep somewhere else.
Saving grace, I was there for his blow ups and abuse to help my sister who is 11 years younger than me. DAD did the same old song and dance it seems to all of us 3 siblings. Telling us how we're crap, worthless, etc in various ways. Manipulated all three of us to pay off the property taxes, have the septic pumped, fix the vehicle, etc. Hell I think we each bought a washing machine over the 22 years.
And my mom, as part of the tribe she actually had the power to ask them for FULL SCHOLARSHIP for us being the matron of family. Coos tribe of Oregon. Beaver clan. Miluk Coos to be exact. She says she was too depressed over her mother dying some 15 years before then (back when I was 3 or so). Maybe, but we all still took Dad's shit.
My fault for not knowing and figuring this out but when all you're spewed for learning about life is living on the government and at the same time paranoia of such and just pure raw delusions of grandeur you have a warped sense of what is.
1: College Lost
2: Military Coward
3: Now Home Lost and branded a psychotic murderous villain (by a fucking evil narcissist)
Top that all off, this morning I walked to the store to buy some groceries here in Corpus... My debit card has expired. Yeah, I finally got hold of the bank told them the story and they waived the 5$ replacement fee and I should get a new one in a week or so. At least the card that was sent to Oregon is invalid now so Dad can't fuck me over again.
Doesn't help knowing my SSI benefits are being by by over $265 starting July. Possibly more if the 120$ amount of me having to pay for medicaid is true. So, now I have to live on $355 a month. I know 200$ goes to bills right off. The property in Oregon is lost... not like I would have inherited it anyways even though I paid the most into it and worked the land the most.
I hate life. My creativity is just crushed and has been for years. I thought about writing a few fantasy novels about a bum and his paranoid delusions but now I've lost all those notes as well (being on paper in oregon).
So tired of setting up new shop again and again and again.
You know, I even tried church a few years back. When it failed I jumped into the occult just because. I figured that God obviously is a sack of crap and maybe I could piss it off even more. Meh, angels, demons, religions based on their theologies and eschatology and cosmogony bullshit.
In the end it is just MAN and its manipulations of other via money and the power that comes with. I call it POPS - Pyramid of Political Structure. And at the tops are Power, Profit, Prestige, Position. And that ever turning capstone always changes sides to rule over the base that basically makes it. The people could easily turn the tides if they united but personal fears of life and items and their own positions prevents that. Would the governments kill billions of people to satisfy their greed and control?
As one of the shitty ants I don't know and I really don't care. Priests talk about their positions in heaven due to deeds and whatnot but I swear the bible mentions that isn't the case. Then again, a book penned by man is just another tool to control. Religion is politics utilizing the "unknown & unproven" over others.
Eh, I went on tangent. I fucking hate mammon and THIS (points to everything). A internet connection doesn't make up for being continually fucked over. And it hurts so bad when its family. I really, don't trust anything anymore. I only EXPECT the next betrayal.
Its just a matter of when.
The 2-star G, the various Colonels, and staff on JAG and my unit telling me what a piece of crap I was. It haunts me to this day. The only thing I carry is a lone dog tag (they come in two, I believe 1 is taken when you die on the field for ID purposes while the other is left). Its tied to some old sinew around my neck and on the other side I have tapped 2 pennies of my birth year.
Its been my DEATH TAG for decades. Since the going through the system for mental illness, the taking of their shit medications, the stop taking of them and the damage to my back from being on them (yeah I jumped out of a truck with that 75 lb+ exercise bike and crushed a disc). I sacrificed my life and possible careers more times than I can count for family.
Hell, I joined the military under my brother to give him a rank bonus. I could have been just about anything in the ARMY according to my score and the sergeants were surprised I chose 11X (x-ray) (they choose the station during AIT though it was OSUT (One unit station training) so it was combined with basic. I ended up an 11C (charlie) or Mortar Maggot.
High Angle Hill
Death & Destruction from Above
HOOOOAAAHH!
As mortars are used in such a way that artillery can't be. Plus they are quite portable.
I graduated with a 3.80 or something and was one of the few that actually was on Honor Roll as compared to the rich fucks who all went into Honor Society (a shitty group of fucks who had a group on who you know and blow). Wasn't liked back then either. Brother confirmed that with stories he heard face to face to some of them. I wondered back then, now I know. I was a joke to them. Always wonder why I never got student of the month or week. (for my grade - was one for each grade).
I had to walk home from the "Grad party." Never even got my .. oh whatever book they give that you buy. Has the pictures and shit. Had to pay for it but never got one. Those that I thought were friends... eh used me to get better grades I guess. Never called or wrote.
I was so depressed after graduation knowing I could never go to college. The counsellor only helped the rich get scholarships (like they fucking needed it). So glad fucking Klein died of brain cancer now that I think of it. FUCK THEM.
Spent a year in my room under the fucking thumb of my fucking megalomaniac Dad. He who believed he was God, Satan, and one of the two witnesses in the bible (which is hardly mentioned) but he made a huge deal of it. Every President was the anti-christ, Santa claus was Satan CLAWS. Never had a holiday. Watched as my Mum became corrupted by his vileness.
So, I joined to help my brother but stupidly we both let my Dad have access to our bank accounts. Brother lost his car to them and he finally cut them off his account. Wish JAG would have suggested that in the beginning. A few times I was overdrawn when I was going to the PX.
My brain has been nothing but trauma so I turned to D&D again after the military and spent money at the TSR hobby shop and a few used comic shops. You know, I didn't even have my room when I got out of the military. Dad used it for his own computer room. I had to sleep somewhere else.
Saving grace, I was there for his blow ups and abuse to help my sister who is 11 years younger than me. DAD did the same old song and dance it seems to all of us 3 siblings. Telling us how we're crap, worthless, etc in various ways. Manipulated all three of us to pay off the property taxes, have the septic pumped, fix the vehicle, etc. Hell I think we each bought a washing machine over the 22 years.
And my mom, as part of the tribe she actually had the power to ask them for FULL SCHOLARSHIP for us being the matron of family. Coos tribe of Oregon. Beaver clan. Miluk Coos to be exact. She says she was too depressed over her mother dying some 15 years before then (back when I was 3 or so). Maybe, but we all still took Dad's shit.
My fault for not knowing and figuring this out but when all you're spewed for learning about life is living on the government and at the same time paranoia of such and just pure raw delusions of grandeur you have a warped sense of what is.
1: College Lost
2: Military Coward
3: Now Home Lost and branded a psychotic murderous villain (by a fucking evil narcissist)
Top that all off, this morning I walked to the store to buy some groceries here in Corpus... My debit card has expired. Yeah, I finally got hold of the bank told them the story and they waived the 5$ replacement fee and I should get a new one in a week or so. At least the card that was sent to Oregon is invalid now so Dad can't fuck me over again.
Doesn't help knowing my SSI benefits are being by by over $265 starting July. Possibly more if the 120$ amount of me having to pay for medicaid is true. So, now I have to live on $355 a month. I know 200$ goes to bills right off. The property in Oregon is lost... not like I would have inherited it anyways even though I paid the most into it and worked the land the most.
I hate life. My creativity is just crushed and has been for years. I thought about writing a few fantasy novels about a bum and his paranoid delusions but now I've lost all those notes as well (being on paper in oregon).
So tired of setting up new shop again and again and again.
You know, I even tried church a few years back. When it failed I jumped into the occult just because. I figured that God obviously is a sack of crap and maybe I could piss it off even more. Meh, angels, demons, religions based on their theologies and eschatology and cosmogony bullshit.
In the end it is just MAN and its manipulations of other via money and the power that comes with. I call it POPS - Pyramid of Political Structure. And at the tops are Power, Profit, Prestige, Position. And that ever turning capstone always changes sides to rule over the base that basically makes it. The people could easily turn the tides if they united but personal fears of life and items and their own positions prevents that. Would the governments kill billions of people to satisfy their greed and control?
As one of the shitty ants I don't know and I really don't care. Priests talk about their positions in heaven due to deeds and whatnot but I swear the bible mentions that isn't the case. Then again, a book penned by man is just another tool to control. Religion is politics utilizing the "unknown & unproven" over others.
Eh, I went on tangent. I fucking hate mammon and THIS (points to everything). A internet connection doesn't make up for being continually fucked over. And it hurts so bad when its family. I really, don't trust anything anymore. I only EXPECT the next betrayal.
Its just a matter of when.